Return to Sender

Originally published at browneyedgirl.nu. You can comment here or there.

About six years ago I lost contact with a dear friend of mine. We had met online (eek) and over the course of several years, and a couple of in person visits, we got to know each other pretty well. But once he (yes, he) graduated high school and moved in with his dad, who had no phone and no internet, we lost contact. We wrote a couple of times, and he made the trip to a football game my school team was playing in his old hometown, but that was the last time I heard from or saw him.

Over the last six years I have sat down on more than one occasion with the sole purpose of looking him up and getting back into contact with him. I've written him at both his mom's and his dad's addresses with no reply. I've gone through just about every 'people search' I could find, thinking maybe he got his own place or moved in with someone else. Nothing.

Tonight I came across some old emails and wanted to cry. We used to talk about any and everything, and even if we'd just talked minutes before we could still write these long-assed emails to each other and have something entirely new to say. After reading a few of the emails, I started again on my search for him, again coming up with the usual. I finally came across one record that had him listed at his mom's address again, and this record was supposedly "up to date". So, once again I got out paper and pen and wrote a short note, asking him to please call/write/email if he was still living there. Calling and talking to his mom is pointless. She never liked me and wouldn't even tell me if he actually was there. That is, if she was sober. And quite honestly, I'm terrified that I'd call and get him, and he wouldn't even remember me. It is a horrible feeling.

The emails also had me upset because I used to be such an ass. It's painfully obvious I just figured we'd always be friends and I took it for granted that something could keep us from keeping in contact. I have a couple of emails where he asked why I'd blown him off, and those really made me want to cry because I was so nonchalant, and here I am now desperately trying to locate him.

I'm also worried about if/when I do get in contact with him ... what do I say? Why the hell did you stop writing/calling? I can't lay all the blame on him because I got lazy once several months would go by without a reply. But I can't help but wonder why he stopped replying. Even just a short note saying he was still there. That he got my letter. That he missed talking to me as much as I missed talking to him. And what if we have nothing to talk about anymore? I'd like to think that we could spend time catching up from years lost, but what if is just like two strangers? It truly brings tears to my eyes to think of it.

When I first told Tyler about this friend, I know he was suspicious, but now he's very supportive in my reasons for wanting to contact him again. He may not understand it completely why I feel the need to continue to look for someone who hasn't even attempted to contact me in the last six years, but he supports me just the same. And I love him for it.

I really don't know why I am writing about this other than the fact that I've just spent the last four hours scouring the internet for any sign of him, and this just happened to be the first place I came once I gave up on my search.

I'll give my letter a month. After that I'm going to suck it up and call his mom. After that, I'm going to give up. I just don't know what else to do.